If you’re a single LBQ woman who is interested in dating, you’re probably familiar with the phrase “friends first”. Oh my gosh, this phrase has aroused my suspicions. I’ve been talking about “friends first” for weeks now. Thanks everyone for chatting with me. I’ve relaxed a lot, broadened my perspective and clarified my beliefs and desires.

Still, I wonder how often a belief that “if I get it right this time, I’ll avoid the pain I’ve experienced in the past” is underneath “friends first” and many of our challenges with dating.

Whew, talk about walking a tight rope! How would you approach love and romance if you were free of the pressure to “get it right to avoid pain”?

Martha Beck has brought therapist and researcher Steven Hayes’ idea of “clean pain and dirty pain” to the masses through her coaching, new book “Steering by Starlight” and articles in Oprah Magazine. Clean pain is our natural response to something hurtful.

Of course you experience a range of grief, sadness, anger, and frustration if you are in a car wreck, experience a friend’s death, or break up with your girlfriend. Following your natural built in healing process would, in time, take you to a place of peace and resolution. We are designed to heal.

Dirty pain happens when your mind explains a hurtful experience via some other belief you hold. For example, dirty pain thoughts about the car wreck could lead you to think “everything bad always happens to me”, “those people don’t know how to drive” or “if I had a newer, faster car this never would have happened”. Fear and avoidance are central to dirty pain. Dirty pain keeps kicking far beyond the initial hurtful incident. OUCH!

Can you see how dirty pain could be polluting your approach to love and romance?

How do you know if your pathway to romance and love is clear or muddied?

• Do you feel free?
• Are you having fun and enjoying the journey?
• Do you feel genuine, relaxed and confident?

Yes, feeling good is your guide to having what you desire. I imagine that there are aspects of love and romance where you’re feeling good and relaxed, yes? These feel good spots become the perfect launching pad for more liberated love and romance.

Flourish on,
Judy