If you’re a single LBQ woman who is interested in dating, you’re probably familiar with the phrase “friends first”. Oh my gosh, this phrase has aroused my suspicions. I’ve been talking about “friends first” for weeks now. Thanks everyone for chatting with me. I’ve relaxed a lot, broadened my perspective and clarified my beliefs and desires.
Still, I wonder how often a belief that “if I get it right this time, I’ll avoid the pain I’ve experienced in the past” is underneath “friends first” and many of our challenges with dating.
Whew, talk about walking a tight rope! How would you approach love and romance if you were free of the pressure to “get it right to avoid pain”?
Martha Beck has brought therapist and researcher Steven Hayes’ idea of “clean pain and dirty pain” to the masses through her coaching, new book “Steering by Starlight” and articles in Oprah Magazine. Clean pain is our natural response to something hurtful.
Of course you experience a range of grief, sadness, anger, and frustration if you are in a car wreck, experience a friend’s death, or break up with your girlfriend. Following your natural built in healing process would, in time, take you to a place of peace and resolution. We are designed to heal.
Dirty pain happens when your mind explains a hurtful experience via some other belief you hold. For example, dirty pain thoughts about the car wreck could lead you to think “everything bad always happens to me”, “those people don’t know how to drive” or “if I had a newer, faster car this never would have happened”. Fear and avoidance are central to dirty pain. Dirty pain keeps kicking far beyond the initial hurtful incident. OUCH!
Can you see how dirty pain could be polluting your approach to love and romance?
How do you know if your pathway to romance and love is clear or muddied?
- Do you feel free?
- Are you having fun and enjoying the journey?
- Do you feel genuine, relaxed and confident?
Yes, feeling good is your guide to having what you desire. I imagine that there are aspects of love and romance where you’re feeling good and relaxed, yes? These feel good spots become the perfect launching pad for more liberated love and romance.
Flourish on,
Judy
Tags: Dating, feeling good, fun and romance
May 19th, 2008 at 9:46 am
check out my friend Miriam’s creative, fun and personalized approach to dating after a breakup. She started a Dating in 17 Syllables project (aka Haiku)
http://miriamyum.wordpress.com/
there is something especially healing about taking fun action after a break up, yes?
May 20th, 2008 at 7:44 am
I like the bit about “dirty pain” going on long after a painful experience has happened. Remembering my fishing days, I think “clean” pain could be described as “catch and release” pain. We experience the difficulty, we go through the process (crying, sleeping, kvetching), and then we let it go. It floats down the stream. Conversely, when I think about dirty pain, I think of catching a fish, leaving it in a creel for days and taking it out to look at. Despite the rotting and smelling, we continue–in the false belief that doing so will bring some kind of life and vigor back into us or that blessed little fish.
May 21st, 2008 at 8:26 am
Thanks Karen,
I appreciate that you converted the terms to something that you can relate to. . .hmmmmm, the thought of a stinky fish could definitely get your attention! lol
Most importantly, I hope we all remember that we get to really enjoy life and love! Now we know that anytime we’re feeling less than super fine, there’s probably some ol’ stinky fish hanging about. ha ha